I have heard people say gifts and talents change over the course of time and for some, perhaps that is true. But I have come to find that it is more like a funneling system. Putting in all the things you have tried or want to try and experimenting and seeking God through it all. Everything goes down but not everything fits. Not everything fits in to our lives, in our schedules or makes sense in this season. But at the core, the core of our being, are things we were designed to do that make us feel fully alive. We may suppress them or deny them or confuse them with something else that pays better is more conveniently located but they are still there. Just waiting. Waiting to spring to life. Waiting for birth.

I like to think that the roots start somewhere in childhood, intermingled in the day dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up and in the ways you spent your time and the hobbies you pursued and the classes you looked most forward to or the things that came most naturally. The things that kept you up at night trying figure out or explore or work on. One more brush stroke. One more pitch. One more song. One more equation. One more mile. One more speech. One more. One more.

The words discovering and yourself , when put next to each other, have always seemed so silly, with an awkward connotation; as if you are a thing you have to explore and in the background the song Normal, from Nightmare on Puberty Street plays, questioning "Am I Normal?" It is here that you lose the best of yourself, taking yourself for granted because those things are easy and everyone can do them.

But the reality is,  not everyone can do that and those are the things that make you, uniquely you. And some discovering is in order. An uncovering and prodding and digging of sorts. It is coming to a place of truly understanding yourself. Coming to understand what makes your heart jump and what makes your eyes take a double look and what makes you feel most alive. What makes you pray harder and takes you out of yourself. What makes you feel closest to God and makes you depend on him more. Doing what you love and loving what you do. There is a reason. And for some, you may earn a paycheck from it and for some you will never see a penny and it may cost you everything but gives birth to life, truly living and that is worth it.

For me, writing is one of those things. It reminds me of all the words out there to play with that are at my fingertips. It is inspiration bouncing around thoughts and grabbing my phone to write them down before they fall off the edge. Writing is engrained somewhere in my DNA, next to ice cream lover and doodler and maker of sorts.

There are seasons of blank papers and others brimming to overflowing and it has not always been so clear how it makes me tick but that has been part of the process and prodding and fun of discovery. The light bulb turning on and God's guidance and confirmation. 

It is the breaks that so often give way to the birthing process. Breaks are good and essential but always a tell tale sign when you get back to it. It could be the realization the project / work / job / hobby / insert something else here, was not life giving or needs to go in another direction or something you truly missed. An absence in your soul.

And for me, with each key hit, it is as if rainbows and sunbeams are bursting from the key board and life is coming back in to existence, back in to the rhythm. Not always. But those days are the best. 

Here's to funneling and prodding and discovering. 

I have yet to participate in a Five Minute Friday post. A post where a word is given out and you take five minutes to write whatever comes to mind right them. Just five minutes and no editing. Timed writing always seems to make my head swirl and lack focus, an area that needs improvement, so I finally decided to give it a try (though I thought I had before). Not to mention, Ricardo challenged me to post something this week and I always love a challenge and I have missed setting time to write lately. So here is what whole and five minutes look like to me.

_____________________________________

My birthday weekend was spent with a suprise-ish trip to Redding, complete with an Art Sozo class and trip to Bethel Church, staying at a cutest little Air BnB, with an amazing view of the city. I had never heard of a Sozo, ultimately thinking were doing a similar art concept to Paint Night. They have a picture to draw and show you step by step.

But that is nothing of the sort and we were in for a fun surprise. As it turns out, a Sozo is about healing and wholeness and God bringing out it all and when you add art to the mix, it is a canvas for him to show you in a visual form. Always healing.

Our first exercise to use the paint involved colors and shapes and God showing what four feelings were revealed in each. Anger. Peace. Sadness. Joy.

For me, sadness was not being whole Sadness was all things blue and in the shape of a macaroni noodle. Little semi circles, incomplete and lacking wholeness.

Being whole is a process of healing and God and self reflection. It is being empowered and driven towards God and people and loving yourself right where you are at. Something God has taken me through and continues to draw out. 

You can join the fun with #fmfparty here.

We are excited to announce our adoption of Ryland James, as of February 19th, he is officially a member of the family. In honor of our celebration, I will be sharing our journey in to fostering and adopting in a few short posts. Fostering is near to our hearts and our prayer is that God would open yours, too, to see what he has in store for your family and maybe our journey would be some encouragement to get you started. (If you missed them, here are parts one and two and three.)

________________________________________________________________________________

It has been a beautiful, crazy time going from two to three. Days filled with holding one child and carrying another and prepping snacks and washing bottles and making sure dance parties are still part of the everyday. Accompanied by lots of firsts. First time with two in diapers. First time having regular visits with numerous social workers. First time having bottles of formula piling up by the sink. First time forgetting to pack a bottle. The months and adjustments danced by.

In October, all parental rights were terminated and we waited out the appeal period over the holidays. Everything was going as had been assumed. It felt a little eerie but exciting, none the less. He already fit right in the family. We signed our adoption placement paperwork on January 19th and awaited our finalization date.

The night before the final court signing it really hit me. This was the end. No family was coming forward. Social workers would no longer be involved. No more meetings or water temping or extra paper work for the doctors. No strings attached. He was to be ours. Officially.

We made it to the court house with no time to spare. Ricardo paid for parking and I left our diaper bag at security. We met with our social workers, one of whom was unable to be there for signing. We declared we were ten years older than Ryland to the judge and signed our son in to our family, officially.

The receiving of a gift like this is hard to put in words. There are so many dynamics and people involved in fostering. My heart broke for his mama, whom we have yet to meet. And for her family and their history, which we know merely a drop of. It broke for the loss the connection and love but rejoiced in God's blessing of choosing him for us. He is chosen, as are the babies I birthed. God chose and consecrated them for us.

There is a tendency towards some sort of ownership that takes place between conception and birth. The uncomfortable sleepless nights and heart burn and extra weight on the scale all takes you one step closer to becoming the owner. You work so hard giving up your favorite foods and cutting back on others and endure constant back pain and swelling feet knowing it will all be worth it in the end when you hold your little one for the first time.

 Being given a baby without strings attached, so to speak, without putting in the physical work and enduring labor pains is a different sort of gift in its entirety.

 The miracle presents itself as that, and rightly so. The gift is just that. A gift. A gift from God revealing his nature of redemption and restoration.

To be given the gift of a baby is nothing short of a miracle but receiving the gift of someone else's is like getting a double helping of the miraculous in a beautiful, broken kind of way.

When you get pregnant, you expect to give birth and have a child but when you sign up for foster to adopt, you are opening up the unexpected. Learning about giving and taking away.

It brings thoughts of baby feet or tiny toddler hands and endless possibility. Where they will go. Who they will follow. Who they will lead. And whether it be for a time or a life time we get to experience the journey and see the paths marked out for them.

Whether or not they will be with us forever is not if importance but whether we will love them like they will be, is. Ownership is not part of the equation. They are God's children. As are those we birthed.  And we get to demonstrate love to them like he loved us.

If there is one thing about our family and fostering, reunification is always on our hearts. As we hear stories of the broken families and traumatic pasts, we also know the power and redemptive work of God. We are not better than the parents who are struggling with addictions or priorities and we are not here to swoop in and save their children. We are here to come along side a hurting and broken family and love them where they are at. To love their children the best we know how, while they get help. To pray for a miracle for them and their family to be fully restored. But if that is not possible, we are here to care for them as our own, though our prayers of redemption never stop.

We are ready to put our hearts in a blender. To love children who may not know love and love their parents who may not know it, either.

When God does something, he does not merely do the minimum, he goes beyond our wildest dreams and makes something amazing to share with others. To share of his grace and peace in the process and surrounding us with a group of friends to pray for us and everyone involved the entire time. And family and friends to carry us as we adjusted and went to appointments and entered in to a fuller and richer life. And for that, we are ever thankful. 

We sit here nine months after being certified, having grown our family from four to five, thankful for his gift. And pretty sure that God is not leading us to stop here, whatever that means - whatever adventures await us. 

We are excited to announce our adoption of Ryland James, as of February 19th, he is officially a member of the family. In honor of our celebration, I will be sharing our journey in to fostering and adopting in a few short posts. Fostering is near to our hearts and our prayer is that God would open yours, too, to see what he has in store for your family and maybe our journey would be some encouragement to get you started. (In case you missed them, here are parts one and two.)

________________________________________________________________________________

When we filled out our paper work determining the criteria of the children we would be willing to take, it felt a little inhumane. Which race? Which gender? How old? Which of these special needs are you comfortable with? With every question, the thought of saying no to someone became real. My child could have special needs. I could birth a child with special needs. I have not raised a child that old yet. The thoughts went on.

We ended up being pretty open, according to our social worker, and namely set the age - a child from birth to five years. We were expecting an older child because that is typically how it goes. But to our surprise, our adoption adventure was not to be a typical story.

Three days after our first baby left, a Friday morning, my cell phone rang again, as I stood in our backyard pushing Penny on the swing. This time just a few details of two day old baby boy who would be coming home from the hospital the following day came across the line. His tests were negative. He was healthy. Would we take him? Oh, and by the way, he was up for adoption.

We had an entire day to prep all the newborn gadgets. To wash the car seat and assemble the swing and buy diapers and bottles and purchase another crib, as Jude was still in one and not ready to give it up. Typically, there is merely a few hours at most before the arrival, we were blessed with a day.

Driving to the hospital to pick him up was surreal. Ricardo was working and Penny and Jude were with my aunt. I met with our social workers in front of the hospital to fill out paper work, empty car seat in hand, ready to be filled with new beginnings - the first possibly long term child to be placed in our home.

We were blessed with the sweetest social worker through out the process, who asked if I would like to take a picture there. I was hesitant at first but even if he would not stay in our care long term, I reasoned, at least he would know someone loved him from the beginning and could be put in his baby book. Enter semi-awkward first picture.

Signing the hospital discharge papers in the mom spot and taking his little bag of belongings to my car and placing him in the car seat for his first ride home, to our home, is hard to put in to words. I had not birthed him. I was not his mom, nor did I know I would be, yet I was allowed this sacred space, pen in hand.  

Who gets to enjoy a newborn without any of the physical work involved? Without months of food aversions and growing waste line and the pain of delivery. It was like Christmas caring for a newborn without the recovery. 

This was the child we had been praying for the past few years. 

Saturday morning, our agency called us informing us that despite his adoption status from the previous day, we were being considered the emergency placement home by the county. They reassured us that they would talk with the county workers but nothing was certain.

It was a reminder of the complexity of the system and a reminder that we had opened up our home for this, for this baby, however long he would stay. However long God had him in our care. And it was another opportunity to fully trust God.

We spent the next few weeks getting use to our new normal, with an out pouring of love from our friends and family via dinners and babysitting.

We met with social workers and talked with attorneys and loved our tiny baby as if he were our own. Penny and Jude took to him without hesitation. Hugs and kisses, though sometimes a little over zealous, were constantly being had. 

We met with Ryland's adoption social worker when he was a  mere two weeks old. Nothing was certain but it had been decided we were to be his adoptive parents, if relatives did not come forward.

We are excited to announce our adoption of Ryland James, as of February 19th, he is officially a member of the family. In honor of our celebration, I will be sharing our journey in to fostering and adopting in a few short posts. Fostering is near to our hearts and our prayer is that God would open yours, too, to see what he has in store for your family and maybe our journey would be some encouragement to get you started. (You can find part one here.)

____________________________________________________________________________

We enjoyed our new little family, as we went from three to four, adding a boy to the mix. Jude was born December 2013 and we adjusted and enjoyed the craziness of caring for two littles. 

We attended a friend's wedding in October 2014 in Reno. While we were in the area, we visited with friends we had been blessed to walk with through their journey of fostering to adopt. Our friend is a pastor and we stayed for service. It was Orphan Sunday. Tears ran down my cheeks as I listened. My heart continuing to break for the children. For the child God had for us. I have never cried so much in a service. Or knew without a doubt that we had to start the certification process again. There was a child waiting for us.

We contacted our agency and got started filling out packets of paperwork and all the fun things you do to get ready. We were thankful that some of our past interviews were kept, which sped up the process and we knew what to expect this time.

We had planned to go through months, if not years, of court dates and visits and prayers for families and reunifications and everything else that a typical foster to adopt process takes in order to end up in adoption. Everything we had heard and seen others walk through its doors. 

We had prepared ourselves as best as we could, while we installed new locks on the cabinets and spent hours in more trainings (I have to add, these trainings were AMAZING and every parent should take them; not to mention yummy food is provided) and rearranged our home to accommodate another little person and completed the check list of county regulations. We were wet behind the ears with our official, newly certified home.

A whole two days passed between being certified to receiving our first call for a baby. We were out of state. The logistics did not work. Another week. We received a call for an emergency placement. We said yes to the sweetest seven month old baby boy for eight nights.

It was during those eight nights that I found myself asking what we were doing. What we were doing opening our home and interrupting our schedules to cater to strangers. What we were doing bringing social workers in to our home on a regular basis and welcoming the uncontrollable. And what if what we were doing was going to wreck our children and their childhood. It was a wake up to the reality of what God had for our family.

We were not meant to live cookie cutter lives or be so set on our own pursuits that we miss out on those around us. Being in community, having friendships and loving others allows for interruptions to be turned in to opportunities.

For us, this was our opportunity to be interrupted with phone calls for children and for self centered prayers to be turned to those in the system, those who needed Jesus. This was our entry in to deeper gospel living and receiving more than we had to give to those God placed in our care.

Receiving the blessing to care for those who cannot care for themselves and be reminded of how rich God has made us, not in material form, but in Spirit. In his love and compassion and this was our opportunity to overflow, despite the exposure of opening up our home and our hearts. 

We were ready, as we could be, for the next call. 

We are excited to announce our adoption of Ryland James, as of February 19th, he is officially a member of the family. In honor of our celebration, I will be sharing our journey in to fostering and adopting in a few short posts. Fostering is near to our hearts and our prayer is that God would open yours, too, to see what he has in store for your family and maybe our journey would be some encouragement to get you started.

My husband and I had talked about the possibility of adopting for a while and while reading through the book of James, God spoke to us about what pure religion was to him - caring for orphans (James 1:27) and that was what he called us to do. 

When our daughter was about a year old, we started talking more seriously. One night, I Googled adoption. Distant children from around the globe covered the screen. As I starred at the faces and prayed and cried, God whispered about the children here in our community. I opened a new browser and the name of a foster agency I heard once came up in the searches. This was it.

Going to the park in the mornings was a routine for my daughter and me. 

The next morning we found ourselves there with another little girl and her grandma. As conversation progressed, her twenty plus years of being a foster mom surfaced, along with adopting and her children's adjustment and all things related. As she spoke, I could not help but laugh as God showed me glimpses in to his plan and confirmation of becoming a foster parent.

We signed up for an orientation with the agency and continued on to the trainings and background checks and moving to a bigger home to make room for more family members in the process. In April of 2013, one interview away from finishing our home study and officially being certified, we found out we were expecting.

When our social worker came to finish the final interview, we told him the news. His blank face starred back at us, asking if we were doing anything to prevent it or if miscarriages were possible and went on to say we could not do the interview. Instead, we had to send a letter to the agency to put our file on hold, if we planned on being certified when the baby was six months.

We had just finished a few weeks of praying and fasting and seeking God for direction for the coming years, when we found out about the pregnancy. We knew it was God's plan but it was also disheartening. All of the time and hoops we had jumped through seemed a little pointless, as we would have to do it all over again, if or when we decided to.

The following month, I sat reading a magazine that happened to have an article about adoption. About someone's adoption story. They, too, had issues and the process took a lot longer than planned but on the very day they signed their last paper, their baby was born. As I read, God whispered, your baby is not born yet. And that was the answer. I did not completely grasp what it meant but I knew he had plans and I knew we would be starting the process again, eventually.  

The topic of hearing God and following the Holy Spirit has been surfacing around me. It has made me question how many people have yet to experience the voice of God, especially those who are in the church now, as well as those yet to set their hope in Jesus. I have been praying about what do to with this knowledge to bring about the awareness and beautiful intimacy that hearing God has on us and God lead me to some wonderful ladies I met through the Allume Conference, who are brave and bold and willing to share their story of how they have come to hear the voice of God through this series. It is not a list of "how tos" or of verses on hearing God or things of the sort. Just an honest, open discussion of the telling of their story. Of their journey to the place where God's voice is the one they listen to. You can find the entire series here. 

___________________________________

For the last year and a half I have been reading the Bible, studying, and listening to sermons by various Pastors. I've learned that God does speak to me when I take time to be alone with Him and listen for His response. In 2014 when I first started spending time alone with God, I dedicated a specific room as my secret place where I could have quiet undisturbed time with God.

The Bible instructs us to seek God in secret; Psalms 91:1  "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty". NKJ 

Matthew 6:4 says, "But you, when you pray go into your room, and when you have shut the door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly". NKJ

I prayed asking God to bless me with the ability to hear His voice, as I wanted to take my relationship to another level of closeness, and deeper understanding of Him and His Word. Soon after, I started being awakened around 3 am in the morning for many months (I still get awakened, but not as often). I hear my name being called. I literally hear an audible and very distinct voice. I receive messages and specific words and told to write them down. I am very prayerful, asking the Lord their meaning. 

I look forward to spending time with God in my secret place. I sing, read my Bible, and pray. I then lay quietly and listen as my Father speaks to me through the Holy Spirit, writing down all He has to say to me. My relationship has gone to another level with God. I hear from Him each time I seek Him and listen for His response.  I have learned that God speaks to me in many ways through the Holy Spirit, family, friends, Pastors and songs. 

Sue is a wife and mother of seven children (all adults) and has always had a heart to seek and follow God. She enjoys biking, hiking, kayaking, and spending time with her family, especially her precious Grandchildren!